God had put a dream on my heart many years ago. He wanted me to write my story. Mind you, I am not a counselor, not a professional in any sense of the word, have never written anything that didn't need a grade or would ever find it's way out of my nightstand, and I still have issues to wrestle through.
But, my message was clear. I was to write my story. The story was to include the loss of my parents, my experience of having to visit my dad in prison, the reckless way I chose to live my life, and where God found me in all this mess. I knew I needed to do this but I was terrified. Of what? Good question.
I was afraid of what I would encounter, on an emotional level.
I was afraid this 'going back in time' would cause me the same pain I felt when I first lost my parents. I did not want to go back there because all I could ever do was cry so hard my gut hurt. But thankfully, that no longer is the case.
God has done some incredible healing in my life. I've been able to think of fun memories I had with my parents and not break down in a tearful mess. I honestly thought all areas in my heart that held any pain, sadness, or anger towards my parents were all swept clean. But what is that verse in the Bible..."I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work...so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think." (The Message)
God proved that to be true by presenting me an opportunity to write a small piece of my story in a compilation book titled: "Journeys to Mother Love, Nine Women Tell Their Stories of Forgiveness & Healing", compiled by Catherine Lawton.
This opportunity made me focus on the tragedy I experienced. I have come a long way since the first time I knew I was to write about my story many years ago. I no longer am afraid of what emotions I will encounter. I am able to dig up memories, whether good or bad, and still feel o.k. I was able to smile for the first time, in a long time, when I thought about my mom. Through my time of writing for this compilation book, I experienced healing in ways I never imagined. Who knew?
Um, God knew. The whole time.
He knows of another plan for me, which He revealed a small tidbit through writing for this book. I am so excited for it! I am to help those who have experienced the type of tragedy I had. Mainly, those who are under eighteen and have no one else to talk to. There are thousands of children nationwide that experience this every year. I will somehow reach them. How? I do not know. When? Once again, I do not know.
But, I have learned to 'trust God from the bottom of my heart; and not try to figure out everything on my own.' (Proverbs 3:5, The Message, italics mine)
'Journeys to Mother Love' has a great blog to follow.
Go to: http://journeystomotherlove.